Toilet Seat


Toilet Seat

When I think about toilet seats I get nauseous, especially public ones.
Just the thought of sitting where everyone else has sat is disgusting to me.
Restrooms in general gross me out–the sink, the door knob, everything.
I went to a small private school in high school and the only restroom the boys had was this really small, dark hole in the hall and the only reason anyone would ever use it was because they had to.
It was lit by the light of a 40 watt bulb and for some reason it always smelled like Pine Sol and mothballs–it was weird.
Anyway, I didn’t really have any friends in high school, so many times during the day I would just go in there and hang out for long periods of time waiting until the school day was over.
One time one of the guys in my class got suspicious and pointed out that I was spending an awful lot of time in the bathroom, but I just pretended like I wasn’t feeling well and he let it go.
After school every day I’d usually just go home and watch something on TV until bedtime. A couple of years later I graduated, went to college and that pretty much brings us all up to speed I think.


In the eyes of many Americans smoking weed is not an acceptable form of self-medication, but cramming sugar and preservatives down your gullet until you have to have your foot amputated is totally fine.


do you ever smoke yourself sober? Sometimes I feel like I’m wasting it but then I realize I feel no pain so it’s not a waste. I also sleep so well.

View original post

To All the Pretty Girls

To all the pretty girls out there: we get it. You’re really hot. How about posting a picture of a sunset or a field of daisies instead of shot after shot after shot of your annoyingly symmetrical face?

Going Green

I want to start my own very special environmental group. It’ll basically consists of just me growing marijuana in my closet. And then when the cops come and arrest me I’ll just tell them that I was going “going green”. But that won’t work and they’ll just take me to prison where I’ll spend several years of my life.

Eventually celebrities and noted politicians will start a grass roots movement that will free me from prison.
Then, when I’m released I’ll write a book about my experiences and make lots of money, but there will always be this emptiness deep down inside of me because no matter how much money you make or have much fame you achieve nothing can take away the simple joy of illegally growing marijuana.


Twitter is great. It’s like this private, online diary where you can tweet your innermost thoughts and feelings, except everyone reads it & makes fun of you.

Debbie Gibson

Apparently there’s groups of people online called “Selenators” and “Swifties” and–from the extensive research I’ve conducted–these are the “people” who support Selena Gomez and Taylor Swift.

Times have changed. When I was growing up you either supported Debbie Gibson or Tiffany. My whole family supported Debbie Gibson and everything she stood for and I remember all of us children were strictly forbidden from associating with people who didn’t support Debbie Gibson. It was just like the Capulets and the Montagues.

Jazz Hands

I’m going to start using the word “fierce”.
“This coffee is fierce…”
“This job is fierce…”
“This banana nut bread is absolutely fierce…”

Also, I’m going to start using “jazz hands” more. Like a game. See how many times I can do it during a shift.

“And in your room the air conditioning controls are located on the wall and not the unit.” **jazz hands**

I clearly need a more challenging job.