To All the Pretty Girls

To all the pretty girls out there: we get it. You’re really hot. How about posting a picture of a sunset or a field of daisies instead of shot after shot after shot of your annoyingly symmetrical face?

Going Green

I want to start my own very special environmental group. It’ll basically consists of just me growing marijuana in my closet. And then when the cops come and arrest me I’ll just tell them that I was going “going green”. But that won’t work and they’ll just take me to prison where I’ll spend several years of my life.

Eventually celebrities and noted politicians will start a grass roots movement that will free me from prison.
Then, when I’m released I’ll write a book about my experiences and make lots of money, but there will always be this emptiness deep down inside of me because no matter how much money you make or have much fame you achieve nothing can take away the simple joy of illegally growing marijuana.


Twitter is great. It’s like this private, online diary where you can tweet your innermost thoughts and feelings, except everyone reads it & makes fun of you.

Debbie Gibson

Apparently there’s groups of people online called “Selenators” and “Swifties” and–from the extensive research I’ve conducted–these are the “people” who support Selena Gomez and Taylor Swift.

Times have changed. When I was growing up you either supported Debbie Gibson or Tiffany. My whole family supported Debbie Gibson and everything she stood for and I remember all of us children were strictly forbidden from associating with people who didn’t support Debbie Gibson. It was just like the Capulets and the Montagues.

Jazz Hands

I’m going to start using the word “fierce”.
“This coffee is fierce…”
“This job is fierce…”
“This banana nut bread is absolutely fierce…”

Also, I’m going to start using “jazz hands” more. Like a game. See how many times I can do it during a shift.

“And in your room the air conditioning controls are located on the wall and not the unit.” **jazz hands**

I clearly need a more challenging job.

Coffee Shop

I want to start a really pretentious coffee shop.

“Well, what would this pretentious coffee shop look like exactly?”

Well, thank you for asking: allow me to clarify.

First of all, everyone would wear turtlenecks. Black, skin tight turtlenecks.

Also, the coffee shop would have promotionals like “French Fridays” where everyone would speak french and serve croissants all day.

Baristas would never make eye contact with you and every time you placed a coffee order they would say something like “it comes like the wind…” and then quickly peer off into space with a palpable sense of sadness and ennui that can only be fully appreciated by the overeducated and underemployed.

I don’t know. Something like that. I haven’t really given it much thought.

Notes & Queries

I was in the library and I saw a series of books called Notes and Queries. If I had a British podcast I’d call it “Notes & Queries”. I would have respected gentlemen on to dissect the issues of the day while enjoying high tea and scones. The first part of the podcast would be designated “Notes” while the later part would be designated “Queries”. The “Notes” section would deal with my thoughts for the week and the “Queries” part would be questions submitted to the panel from the audience.
I don’t really have a lot going on in my life right now. I really need you to get behind me on this whole podcast idea. I expect you all to be honing your accents.

Baby Bump

I hate when women try to get cute and use words like “preggers” or “baby bump” or “v-jay-jay”. You know what, you’re not freakin Oprah Winfrey and it’s not “baby bump” or “v-jay-jay”. It’s fetus and vagina. Use the correct lingo.

Denzel Washington

I’ve started to not like Denzel Washington anymore. I used to, but he’s lost that fire he used to have. I think he should do some cocaine–that’d give him some “fire” and energy. I heard he did a recent movie where his character took cocaine. I wish he’d do a movie where his character was an energetic actor at a healthy weight.