Your Body is a Wonderland

One time this girl called my answering machine and sang Your Body is a Wonderland. That was the best day of my life. It’s all been downhill since then.

Your Body is a Wonderland


To All the Pretty Girls

To all the pretty girls out there: we get it. You’re really hot. How about posting a picture of a sunset or a field of daisies instead of shot after shot after shot of your annoyingly symmetrical face?

Going Green

I want to start my own very special environmental group. It’ll basically consists of just me growing marijuana in my closet. And then when the cops come and arrest me I’ll just tell them that I was going “going green”. But that won’t work and they’ll just take me to prison where I’ll spend several years of my life.

Eventually celebrities and noted politicians will start a grass roots movement that will free me from prison.
Then, when I’m released I’ll write a book about my experiences and make lots of money, but there will always be this emptiness deep down inside of me because no matter how much money you make or have much fame you achieve nothing can take away the simple joy of illegally growing marijuana.

Notes & Queries

I was in the library and I saw a series of books called Notes and Queries. If I had a British podcast I’d call it “Notes & Queries”. I would have respected gentlemen on to dissect the issues of the day while enjoying high tea and scones. The first part of the podcast would be designated “Notes” while the later part would be designated “Queries”. The “Notes” section would deal with my thoughts for the week and the “Queries” part would be questions submitted to the panel from the audience.
I don’t really have a lot going on in my life right now. I really need you to get behind me on this whole podcast idea. I expect you all to be honing your accents.

Marijuana Island

If I could I’d have my own private island and I’d call it “Marijuana Island,” but I wouldn’t have any marijuana on it and when the cops invaded and searched the place all they’d find was an orphanage for disadvantaged Haitian children. They wouldn’t find any marijuana on the entire island because I personally constructed Marijuana Island just for little Haitian orphans (the name of the island has no connection to what’s on the island because marijuana would be strictly forbidden on Marijuana Island). And as the cops left Marijuana Island in disgrace I’d be watching from my second, secret island called “Orphan Island”, where marijuana is always allowed.